Every time I write a recap of the year, I’m trying to find a theme or some underlying insight which would shine through the experience of this year and wove together my narrative about it. I feel some sense of responsibility to process what happened and present it in a form of well understood reality and some semi-profound learnings.

2024 gave me so many new learnings – some of them I wish I never had to gain, some I can’t share yet. But more than anything this year was the time for me to take all the things I learned over the last couple of years and apply them to my reality.

I spent a lot of 2023 establishing my new ground – life in the UK. The first year in a new country is never easy, and even when the environment is welcoming and kind, settling in takes effort, energy, and time. By the beginning of 2024 we were in a good place so I started to build routines on top of baseline level of work, sleep and occasional socialization.

I’ve been dreaming of learning how to tap dance for at least 5 years. Tap dancing for me combines two things I really appreciate: almost mathematical structure and joyful mesmerizing creativity. Stepan agreed to join me in my endeavour to finally learn how to tap dance – and since February we’ve been going to Tap classes weekly! Our progress there is so unbelievable – not because we reached some advanced level, but because I never thought we could get to where we are today even if it is still called “Basic Plus”.

I continued with my PT/weight training all throughout the year. I reestablished my relationship with swimming by finding times of the week and routine which serves me well (when pool is less crowded, music is in my ears thanks to the water player, and pace is defined by me) – and managed to do 2km swim in 1h. Again, not a massive sports achievement, but one I am very proud of for myself and my relationship with exercise.

I managed to convince Stepan to join me in the gym and now we go sometimes on weekday evenings even if to just do an hour on a treadmill – as I learned that even not so cardio heavy walks help my nervous system to calm down and shake off agitation and stimulation of the day.

I still find exercising hard and at times don’t want to go, but I got to the point where I do feel like I enjoy it and its effects on my body and my well-being. This year more than ever I felt like exercising 5-6 times a week – without going at crazy load/pace/stretch but moving my body as much as I can – helped me to keep my sanity. I also lost 10 kg in the process, but this year it truly was not the goal.

Combination of exercise, weight loss, Metformin and somewhat better food choices helped me to regulate my cycle to the level where I first felt like my body knows what it’s doing. It was a very new experience considering I’ve had PCOS my whole life and therefore completely disordered cycle and metabolism.

I don’t want to sugarcoat it – it took me 1.5 years from first commiting to regular PT exercise to start tolerating physical activity well. For many-many months I was going through the motions of what I had to do according to guidance of my trainer or common advice, but I was quite miserable throughout it. There was no endorphins, no quick progress and no getting into the habit of it. My body was very cardio unfit therefore exercising was deeply uncomfortable. I wish more people had empathy for how hard it is to introduce exercise into your life when you start not even from level zero but from negative one. Spice it up with mental struggles around body image and previous experience with exercise – and getting fit feels almost impossible.

So if you struggle with exercising and you’re reading this recap – I see you, I feel you, what you’re going through is valid and I hope you find a way to give yourself as much support and space to figure it out at your own pace and level as possible.

First half of the year was filled with brunches, walks, cultural events, meetings with friends and, as usual – so much work! But it truly felt like my life has more of life than work in it, and I was very happy about it.

In the end of July my company announced a massive reorganization it planned to go through till the end of the year, and that’s where it all took a turn.

That’s the piece which I can’t describe in much detail as it is still an ongoing process and a sensitive subject. But I can speak a bit about my experience living through the uncertainty of it.

Many of you know that my life in the UK is dependent on my work visa. I’ve never before in my life had situations where I had doubts about whether, within months, I would still be employed. I also surely didn’t expect it to happen while being entirely dependent on employment to have a right to live in a country of my choice.

Anxiety around loss of stability and predictability of the situation surrounding restructuring was at first manageable. I saw the change as an opportunity for potential growth/change of course and stayed rather positive about it. But the more announcements we were receiving and closer to my level decisions were getting, the more I felt anxious and out of control as it was quite clear that there will be more cuts than opportunities.

I will spoil the suspense and let you know that, through this storm, I managed to keep being employed and got out of it something I am very content with. That outcome was not guaranteed by any means, and I had such a high probability of not getting it. This experience scarred me for life. I had to learn that sometimes you can do your absolute best, perform above expectations, and be a great all-around talent. Still, it won’t guarantee employment as the number of roles available goes down rapidly or your function/part of the structure is no longer deemed needed. It seems almost obvious to anyone, but somehow I believed there is a level of security behind track record, reputation, social network and ultimate loyalty. But when push comes to shove, there is none.

I understand that it’s business, nothing personal. I’m not implying any wrongdoing on anyone’s side. But to go through this experience has been shocking. People are always saying that everyone is replaceable and for business you’re just a number on a page. It’s so true. There is no such thing as loyalty from the business side to you, and that’s okay, you just need to keep it in mind at all times.

Going a bit back to around September when the process of restructuring has already started but not yet reached my level.I was swamped with workload and, as part of it, had a very high pressure, very anxiety-inducing piece of work. Delivering this piece felt like part of an assessment linked to reorganization (what if I fail and they will decide that I’m not good enough to keep?), my team was going through a lot of change and my “right hand” just went to mat.leave and wasn’t replaced. I started to drown in anxiety – and at some point found myself in a very rough shape, both physically and mentally.

I’ve been through worse in my life, I persevered through many instances of severe anxiety, being overworked & overstimulated. Proving to the world my resilience and dependability has been my obsession for many years. But this time around I felt like I owed to myself to take a breather and recover before I completely break. I told my therapist that I can’t fully comprehend why in this particular situation keeping on felt reckless and irresponsible, while there were so many instances in the past where I survived through worse and didn’t take any breaks. She said that for her it’s a sign that I finally have inner strength & stability to allow myself to take this space. That rang so true to me – I finally felt that being kind to myself is a sign of true strength and pushing past my limits is… not.

I also went to my GP and asked for medication – and got prescribed Sertraline (antidepressants). I never had depressive symptoms in my life and still don’t have them, but what I didn’t know is that anxiety can also be associated with serotonin imbalance. I’ve had anxiety my whole life. It took some self-convincing to try AD meds but let me tell you – I feel like the load I carry at all times got much lighter. And I’m so grateful for it!

I recovered rather quickly and was back at work within 2.5 weeks. I probably could use some more time, but being off started to drive my anxiety as we were moving through the reorg and I wanted to be around when important things would start happening. After coming back I felt like some of the strings attaching my heart to work have gotten… slightly cut. Not to the degree that I don’t care about work anymore – that’s physically impossible – but to the degree that I care… a healthy amount.

Taking this break felt like the worst timing possible but in the end I feel like it saved me from completely losing my mind when restructuring did come to my level – so I have no regrets.

I’m 34 years old, I’ve been married for 14 years, lived in 4 different countries and have been considered an adult for a long-long time. But in 2024 more than ever I felt like I’m becoming a true adult – with a much better grasp on my life – on my health, my routines, my responsibilities and relationships. And I’m all the better for it.

I hope 2025 will be a year we all get to enjoy. I wish you to be kind to yourself and always manage to give yourself the space and support you need.

Happy New Year, lovelies. If you read this all the way through – I cherish having you in my life.