It has been a bit more than 3 months since we packed all our stuff and moved to the Netherlands. 3 months doesn’t sound like a lot but it feels like an eternity.
This whole time I’ve been feeling like on a carousel which never stops and is only spinning faster and faster as times goes by. I live in a dream I never imagined to be possible and it feels crazy.
Crazy surreal. Crazy interesting. Crazy fancy. Crazy serious. Crazy exhausting.
In a kaleidoscope of countries and places I visited in the past several weeks, living in between temporary homes, long working hours, busy weekends, visiting friends, never ending bureaucracy things, business trips and multiple worries, I don’t have a room to breathe. To think. To process. To feel the ground.
I like challenges, I always did. And while sometimes I get absolutely overwhelmed from the mix of external and internal pressure, I’m very aware of one simple fact – I’m choosing it myself. I’m enjoying it. All those emotional swings of extremely high highs and absolutely devastating lows are the system I live by. And I really hope one day I will find a middle ground and this room to breathe but I’m clearly not there yet.
I’ve been thinking about sharing my true experience, experience full of deepest self doubts, triumphant victories, tiring anxieties, exciting adventures, borderline exhaustion, extreme vulnerability, needed resilience, endless gratitude, limited resources, interesting self discoveries, personal compromises, floods of tears, brightest emotions, sleepless nights… but in the end of the day I would never be able to explain all of this.
At some points I felt lonely and isolated. I wished I knew people with the same struggles but I was (and still am) surrounded by absolute superstars with much more stable emotional reality who are just pushing through and don’t complain. More of that – I know a lot of people who see me the same way. I’m afraid to overexpose my vulnerability as multiple times I was punished for it. I don’t want to be perceived as a sensitive flower, to give a negative vibe or be accused of being not agile or resilient enough.
But reality is – sometimes I become fragile, defensive and dramatic. Sometimes I hit rock bottom and don’t see a way out – ‘failure is not an option’ but it also feels impossible to keep going. I feel stuck and desperate.
At moments like this I stay still. I feel the silence. I don’t try to find a way out. I just wait. And then suddenly I feel the sun on my face. I see the man of my dreams next to me. I laugh with people at work who mean much more to me than just colleagues. I look at my job with excitement and satisfaction. And I keep going.
This journey has been absolutely crazy but I love and accept every moment of it.